Part 2: Home Sweet Home
“I thought one day//I thought I’d find a hole//In my own backyard//I’d never seen before//Follow it down//Underneath that fence//Come back up on the other side, live another life//I’m coming up short in a life worth nothing.”
The commute from my parents house to where I live now. Two and a half hours if you drive and BC Ferries decides to show you mercy. If you’re like me and don’t drive, you better hope you’re a fan of transit because it’s three busses, two skytrains, and, of course, the ferry ride away.
With most of my stuff already packed up, I spent my last few nights at home with my mattress on the floor right next to my bedroom window. I spent a lot of time sitting and just staring out at the neighborhood, trying to soak up the same view I had every day since we first moved into that house.
Since moving out, my parents have replaced the shitty blinds that always split open in that room. It was a warm surprise to see then preserved, shitty as ever, on Google Maps.
A photo and journal entry from one of my last nights on the coast:
“recent days. moving out. feeling stress, feeling excitement, feeling chronic back ache, feeling freedom, feeling fearful, feeling excitement again, feeling the youngest and oldest I could ever be. I love my new house but don’t know how I’m going to be self-sufficient. fuck it, we ball tho.”
I’ve always had trouble connecting with people outside of my close friend groups. I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to make any friends once I moved, and even though everyone reassured me I would just naturally find the right people when the time came, that never really happened. I’m happy to say I finally have some actual friendships here, but it took over 6 months and some real conscious effort on my end.
The idea of “branching out” and meeting new people feels so foreign to me, like I was born lacking some secret knowledge everyone else seems to instinctively understand. I believe this can be explained partially by my ADHD.
While the stereotypical image of someone with ADHD many people have may be a super energetic social butterfly, this is often not the case. A study published by Medline found that adolescents with ADHD participated significantly less in socializing within their community than their peers without the disorder. The article lists many possible causes for this issue, including sensory difficulties, negative social experiences, and cognitive differences.
While myself and many others with ADHD do experience the listed issues to varying degrees, another trait of the disorder that is not often discussed can have a strong impact on our social functioning. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a feeling of intense emotional pain in response to perceived rejection. It is most often associated with ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. While most people experience some level of emotional discomfort when faced with rejection, RSD is an intense effect of emotional dysregulation. It can often lead to extreme outbursts or internal feelings of depression, anxiety, and self-deprecation. Additionally, RSD can be triggered by seemingly minimal events such as a minor shift in someone’s tone of voice or facial expression.
In my own experience, even if I can logically understand that a triggering event “isn’t a big deal,” it’s still very hard for me to get past the intense emotional response I can have. I often end up spiraling, as I feel even worse about myself for being so upset when I know I should be able to just move on. Due to our extreme responses to rejection, most people who experience RSD also develop a learned fear of it. This leads me to avoid circumstances where I could possibly feel rejected in any capacity. I’ll rarely take risks, especially when it comes to interacting with anyone I am not already familiar with, as I have a very limited sense of what their reaction may be. Even among my peers, I tend to avoid situations where I leave myself vulnerable to rejection, such as asking for assistance or proposing an idea if I’m not completely confident someone will agree.
While I’ve definitely learned to manage my RSD over time, it, along with many of my other ADHD traits, make it very difficult for me to put myself out there and connect with others. I have a complex set of needs that can be difficult to ask others to meet, so it often feels easier for me to do things on my own. Though continued research and self reflection, I am finding it easier to create meaningful relationships with the people around me.
Malina and Keith, two of my best friends came to visit me the second night I was in my new place. My mom had told me she thought there was a short cut to BCIT through the cemetery next to my house so we decided to explore and try to make our way there. Long story short, there was no shortcut and it ended up taking us a few hours to get to campus. It was super hot out that day so we stopped to rest under a shady tree beside the grave of a man named Wellend. We plan to come back and bring him flowers soon.
A collage I made during my last little bit of high school. I had started packing up my room and had no clue how I was gonna survive on my own.